A Pivotal Week

Monday, 2nd March 2020

A good day energy and mood wise, although about three times today my ankle has suddenly developed pain and I've been unable to do more than hobble around for a few minutes. Following my blog post this morning, a couple of friends got in touch to suggest I run the half marathon instead. As obvious as it seems, it hadn't occurred to me. I mean, it did originally but I dismissed it as I think I needed a bigger shock to get me training. Just perhaps not that much of a shock!

I have emailed Macmillan to ask if it is hypothetically possible. However, then I looked up half marathon race info and it's an 8am start! No apparent public transport options on a Sunday to get me to the start from the hotel. So that is potentially a non starter anyway. Unless I taxi it 🤔 Or enter a completely different, more local, half marathon for Macmillan. Or swim the Channel, equivalent. Or do a skydive. (Just kidding mum. I get bored swimming as well).

30 minutes completed on exercise bike this evening, cranked up the resistance. Head, shoulders, knees and toes all feeling fine 👍

Tuesday, 3rd March 2020

“Slow down. Take a deep breath. What’s the hurry? Why wear yourself out? Just what are you after anyway? But you say, ‘I can’t help it. I’m addicted to alien gods. I can’t quit.’ Jeremiah 2:25 MSG https://bible.com/bible/97/jer.2.25.MSG

The Lord's call to 'slow down' is welcome. In slowness there is time to check in with ourselves, those around us and God. To ask if our lifestyles are sustainable- for our own mental health, the good of our relationships and the future of creation.

Slowing down forces me to consider if I am living well. The creator invites me into an abundance which is about more than personal achievements. It is a life of connection: with people, with planet and the one who breathes hope into my being.

Notes from Alive- a lent devotional by Tearfund.

Wednesday, 4th March 2020

So, everything reached a climax yesterday. Emails back and forth to Macmillan exploring options, and I too was looking at alternative events I could enter. But, ultimately, they do have their supporters' health as paramount and were clear that they did not want me to push myself for any event if I am in pain. I made a decision to pull out of Edinburgh and not commit to another event at this time.

Initially the relief was palpable! By evening, I was somewhat in the emotional slumps and didn't get to the gym last night as planned. However, I did enjoy a 3 mile run this morning. And I mean really enjoy (apart from the fallydowny leggings and rideyuppy top 🤦‍♀️)! I'm still hoping to keep the running going, but I have had more random ankle pain today so I think it's back to aqua fit for me in the short term.

To all those that sponsored me, thank you! I have requested Macmillan refund all sponsors. This may take up to 20 days to process. I appreciate some may have been happy for their donation to stand, but it feels fraudulent to not first refund then allow individuals to decide. Mark and I will make a donation to Macmillan ourselves, in lieu of this, as we have seen first hand the brilliant work they do.

Thursday, 5th March

Today felt like being in one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books, just the exercise edition! This morning I chose to use my child free time to do housework, and deferred exercise to evening time, planning on gym. Evening came. I felt tired. I had stomach cramps. I wanted to sack it off.

After putting kids to bed I chose exercise gear over PJs. I lay on the sofa for a bit, fighting sleep. But, already being in my gear, I flicked on Masterchef and got out the exercise bike. I pushed myself and followed up with some lunges, plank and press ups. I feel phenomenal now. I feel strong. I feel proud.

It can be so easy to find reasons not to. Thankful today that the determination won out. And it has helped to slightly offset the delicious traybake I devoured earlier 👍

Friday, 6th March

So, this then will be my last entry. Despite it having been a challenging day in many ways, I want to end on a positive. I logged into Facebook today for the first time in a week and was blessed by the support from friends on my previous post. My brain twisted this into something else, and knowing the decision that had already been made, guilt has been my predominant emotion- that I have not followed through on what I set out to do.

However, I have to be proud that I have had the wisdom to know myself and my limitations, and the courage to act on that. I think the mind is a massively powerful thing. And, particularly in events like marathon training, I am in awe of people who are able to harness that mental strength and persevere (me! I did that once!). But I will also applaud people who have the courage to say 'enough' instead of carrying on out of stubbornness, pride, or fear of others' opinions (also me!).

And so, here I end. I never expected Marathon Woman to make a reappearance. Despite pulling the plug, I cannot regret giving it another go. I do not have enough physical, mental or emotional resources to meet the challenge. But I am a stronger and wiser person for having tried, and have rediscovered a love of running that I had lost. Thank you Marathon Woman. Now go rest.

The Post I Didn't Want to Write

The last couple of weeks have been challenging. Mostly from the change in routine with half term, and I haven't adapted well to making time to train. I've been physically and mentally depleted, and I've been wrestling hard internally with whether or not I see this through.

I came to a place midweek of accepting or realising that I don't actually want to run another marathon. I think I bought into Rachel's dream and passion, and saw this as a way to crowbar some 'me' time into the week. Also, in my fantasy world, I thought that if I signed up to a marathon, the pounds would melt away (14 stone in a day!).

I have a hard time admitting I am wrong. I can be vulnerable in other ways sure, but to throw my hands up and say, I don't think I can do this is to confront my biggest fear- that of failure.

There are several sensible reasons to call it a day- mostly relating to my increasingly aching body and not being prepared to sacrifice the time that training for this marathon needs. To be brave enough to make a decision, instead of being paralysed by the self doubt, guilt and regret of staying in it, would be a blessed relief.

And yet. Despite all of that, and not fitting in any midweek runs this week, I did my 'long' run yesterday of eight miles and enjoyed it. And maybe I'm not ready to quit yet. I definitely need to re-tailor my plan. I have already reduced my max scheduled long run to 16miles, and I need to increase the cross training. My knees and back are still problematic, and my left ankle has now developed an interesting quirk where it will suddenly just 'go', and I limp along in pain for 5 minutes before it is apparently right as rain again. 

I can probably defer a decision until the end of April, at which point I need to cancel my hotel and get Macmillan to refund my sponsors, or go through with it regardless. I think I'll know before then. I won't ignore my body's signals. But equally I don't want to make that call out of fear, or a whim (unlike signing up!), but after measured thought and consultation with those closest to me (again, unlike signing up 🙈).

So, I'm still in it for now. 

Raaaaaaaarggggghhhhhhh

I'm very close to chucking it all in. It's not even the marathon per se, more a reflection of where I am in life right now. Well, it's partly the running. I'd been soaring, really proud of my training and my fitness improvements. And I was fuelling myself well. Approaching the end of week 2, and Storm Dennis was making outdoor training grossly unappealing. I was scheduled to do 6 miles last weekend, went out with a group to do 10 miles and ended up doing 11.4 miles. But by the end, I was really fed up, and bored. Too much too soon and I totally lost my love, right there. Add in a large dose of mum/ wife guilt for being out for so long. Oh, and then follow that with routine disappearing for half term and eating my way through Tuesday and Wednesday.

Basically I have definitely not been stronger than my strongest excuse, my mental health and eating patterns have taken a massive dive, and my current state of catastrophising and feeling like a failure is just making me want to fulfil that self-pitying prophecy and call it a day.

Tomorrow morning I'm heading out on a suck it and see run. Officially the plan says 7 miles. But, given that it's totally gone out of the window this week, I'm just going to run loops and see what my body is saying to me. Recovery from 11+ miles on my knees and back has taken most of the week, and my only exercise has been swimming, static bike and walking. So, I guess I'll know more tomorrow...

Week 1 of ?

Feeling like a total screw up right now. So far this week:

Monday ran 3 miles after work. Flew round. Felt fantastic

Tuesday rest day, apart from carrying Benjamin in the backpack all day due to him being a buggy escaping toad

Wednesday. Very low day. Scales confirmed healthy eating and exercise paying off, lost 2lb last week. Low. But rallied to smash out a gym session which boosted me

Thursday. Work. Low day again. Didn't exercise as planned in evening but ate healthily

Friday. Got up at 6am and did exercise DVD as paths very icy out. Will run tomorrow. Benjamin continued to be a toad. Repeatedly lost my shit with him and consumed several thousand calories of sugar to cope. Cried a lot. Seriously considered dropping out of marathon as have no idea how on earth I can do this.

Saturday. Waiting for daddy day care so that I can go out and do 5 or 6 miles. Massive self doubt. No idea how I will fit in the training around family life as it's only week 1 😭

And We're Off!

Despite having reread through every original Marathon Woman blog, to avoid making the same mistakes, I haven't gotten off to the best of starts. I've been plagued by self doubt. To the extent that, before I purchased very expensive new running shoes, I contacted Macmillan to see what happens if I pull out. My thinking was that perhaps I could just pay them back my entry fee and forget this whole silly idea.

Their response was so utterly supportive and brilliant that it made me want to really try. If I get injured (I'm worried about knees and back coping) then I know they are absolutely behind me and my wellbeing and health is important to them. Which has made me want to go for it. That said, I've still held back on posting my sponsorship link. But, following today's 10 miler, it is up and out there 🙈

Today was hard. Officially my training schedule kicks in on 3rd Feb, but, having done a couple of 6 milers in January, albeit a struggle, I weirdly wanted to test myself today and make the most of a beautiful winter day with friends. 

Faring ok this evening, apart from a couple of blisters. My main issue is my lower calf muscles. So my natural pace is quicker, but not sustainable, than the race day pace we are aiming for. I find that, to reduce my pace, I am shortening my stride length, which is putting extra pressure on lower calf/ upper Achilles tendon. For a bit today I kind of bounced in my normal stride instead, which then switched muscle use to inner quad, but I need a plan. Anyone else done this and have any tips please?

So, I'm still wondering what on earth I am doing, but it's only 18 weeks of my life, and then I can go back to bring a gym bunny. I was lamenting to a woman at parkrun that I couldn't possibly run a marathon at 14 stone, but apparently I can. So, although I'm making better fuel choices right now, and really hope to be nearer 12 stone by race day, I've stopped stalling and making excuses. As my partner in crime, Rachel, would say- be stronger than your strongest excuse 💪