The Post I Didn't Want to Write

The last couple of weeks have been challenging. Mostly from the change in routine with half term, and I haven't adapted well to making time to train. I've been physically and mentally depleted, and I've been wrestling hard internally with whether or not I see this through.

I came to a place midweek of accepting or realising that I don't actually want to run another marathon. I think I bought into Rachel's dream and passion, and saw this as a way to crowbar some 'me' time into the week. Also, in my fantasy world, I thought that if I signed up to a marathon, the pounds would melt away (14 stone in a day!).

I have a hard time admitting I am wrong. I can be vulnerable in other ways sure, but to throw my hands up and say, I don't think I can do this is to confront my biggest fear- that of failure.

There are several sensible reasons to call it a day- mostly relating to my increasingly aching body and not being prepared to sacrifice the time that training for this marathon needs. To be brave enough to make a decision, instead of being paralysed by the self doubt, guilt and regret of staying in it, would be a blessed relief.

And yet. Despite all of that, and not fitting in any midweek runs this week, I did my 'long' run yesterday of eight miles and enjoyed it. And maybe I'm not ready to quit yet. I definitely need to re-tailor my plan. I have already reduced my max scheduled long run to 16miles, and I need to increase the cross training. My knees and back are still problematic, and my left ankle has now developed an interesting quirk where it will suddenly just 'go', and I limp along in pain for 5 minutes before it is apparently right as rain again. 

I can probably defer a decision until the end of April, at which point I need to cancel my hotel and get Macmillan to refund my sponsors, or go through with it regardless. I think I'll know before then. I won't ignore my body's signals. But equally I don't want to make that call out of fear, or a whim (unlike signing up!), but after measured thought and consultation with those closest to me (again, unlike signing up 🙈).

So, I'm still in it for now.